Starting

My last post was about finishing a big project and resulting anti-climax that comes with the absence of this thing that was such an important part of my life for so long. I suggested that a good way combat the resulting funk is to begin something new. Unfortunately, this is not always as easy as it seems, at least for me.

I've read about writers (Stephen King comes to mind) who work on shorter pieces immediately after finishing bigger works. This seems like a great way to use up the energy that still is inside as well as to combat the anti-climax of being done. However, I've come to realize in recent years that deep down I'm not a short story writer; I'm a novelist. I admire short story writers and appreciate when I read a great piece that manages to tell a good story in such a small space, but the truth is I probably read more novels than short stories, and sometimes I read short stories and feel that they're okay, but would be better as novels (stories by E. Annie Proulx and Alice Munro come to mind). And beyond my taste in reading, it just seems that when I have an idea, it's for a longer piece. Even when I have the initial inspiration of a single scene or a simple event, I'm not satisfied with leaving it at that slice; I want to know what happens next and after that. Currently I have ideas for a few novels that I want to write in the next number of years, and two of those began as what I thought could be short stories, but I wrote the short stories and realized I was deeply unsatisfied with them although I still loved the original ideas. The problems were due to the failure of the ideas to fit into the short story frame. In order for those pieces to be explored in a satisfying way without turning to sentimentality, cliche, or whatever, they have to be larger. I need to know the characters more fully, to explore where they came from and where they go after the scene that was the initial inspiration. So as far as shorter pieces go, although I've been working for the past several years at the craft of writing and I've written a handful of stories in the process, I feel I have only produced one that is any good along with one personal essay that is also strong. Possibly I have a couple novel chapters that might be able to stand alone, but writing a short story may be more difficult for me than writing a novel, so turning to that avenue as a way out of my post-completion funk doesn't typically work well.

I finished revisions of my second novel a couple months ago. I tried to fight off the blues through getting involved in the hunt for an agent, but of course that's not the same as actively writing. Although it takes a lot of time and an essential part of becoming a professional writer with published books, it doesn't satisfy me at all. It's just hard work, and the more I think about the difficulties of actually landing an agent and getting my book out there, the more I'm likely to sink into the depression that comes with having finished my novel. So clearly, I needed something else, another creative project. But what?

I decided to try my hand at screenwriting, not expecting to really produce anything that will make me a Hollywood success or anything, but just to gain more experience of another form and to give myself something to work on. I took a screenwriting course in my MFA program, and for the final project of that class I wrote the first act of a screenplay along with an outline of what the rest of the story would be if I finished it. So I decided it was time to return to it. So that's what I did. I absorbed myself in screenplays, reading more of them to refresh myself on the form, and I sat down and worked day after day. It was fun for a while, and it provided some of the distraction I was looking for, but ultimately I lost steam with the project. Essentially my problem with it came from a basic uncertainty with the story at the heart of the piece. I wasn't convinced the characters were really working and that I could conclude the story in any satisfying way. In part, I wasn't sure what I actually believed was the "right" thing for the character to do in his situation, and so I was left with choices of a standard Hollywood happy ending or a cynical finish, neither of which felt honest or satisfying, but I couldn't come up with anything else, any middle ground either. I suspect the entire thing needs substantial alterations much earlier in the story at the very heart of the characters before an ending will be possible. So I sputtered and floundered and was left in the same position I was in before, only now instead of merely the anti-climax of finishing a novel, I was in the added funk of attempting something and failing. Of course failure is an unavoidable part of the creative process, and I still have hopes that some day I might return to the screenplay and be able to figure it out, but in the mean time, what do I do to satisfy this deep urge in me to write a story?

Well, I tried to do a short story, which as I wrote above, is not my forte. The story was one that had been needling away at my brain for a few years. I wrote an unsuccessful version of it a few years ago, which due to a computer crash a few years ago is now completely lost. So I thought I might be able to write this story now and avoid the problems I had with it back then. But it wasn't working either. I sat down day after day with it, and produced only a few pages, including two separate and very different openings and a number of notes that haven't yet become the key to solving the story's failings.

Let me clarify one thing here before continuing. I don't want this to seem like I'm complaining. I fully understand that failure is part of the process. Most of the paths I take will be dead ends. That's simply the nature of writing. That's why writing is a process and not merely a single step. Furthermore, every time I attempt something and produce a version I'm unhappy with or I abandon a project three quarters of the way into a draft, it's still a valuable learning experience. I like to think of it as analogous to painting: a great artist doesn't doodle his first sketches and produce masterpieces, but that doesn't mean that every crap drawing or flawed painting wasn't a valuable part of the process that eventually led to great work. Hopefully in the future I can anticipate some of the problems I hit in the past and avoid them, or I can see why I went wrong and do something else instead. Time spent writing is worthwhile. Period.

However, as great as it is to learn and see problems that can be overcome or to simply try new things and add that experience to the sum of what I've done, it's not the same as being actively involved with something I love.

So after unsuccessfully trying a couple of routes to get into a new project following my novel I decided a new novel was probably the best option. As I mentioned above, I have a few ideas for novels that I want to try in the next few years. One I'm sure I'm not ready to write simply because it's too serious and dark, and I feel I need at least a few more years of living before I will be the person who can write it. Another one will require extensive research about a historical time and place, so I'll have to do substantial work on that before I can actually begin writing anything. Then there are two others. One of them I'm excited about. It's one of the ideas that I thought could be a short story, but now I feel has to be a novel. For about a year or more I've thought in my head that it will be "my next novel." However, life issues prevent me from beginning it at the moment. Or, I suppose I could start it anytime I want to, but I don't feel the timing is quite right. I'm in between things as far as a job and a place to live, and I know everything will be in upheaval in a few months as I move. So for the sake of continuity and momentum I don't want to be smack in the middle of this novel when I have to pick up my life and transport myself. I'd rather start this novel in a couple months when I'm settled and can work the writing into my new routine.

So that leaves one other possibility for a novel to work on. And once again, I feel like this post is dragging on and on, and if anybody ever actually reads this, I imagine they're getting anxious for it to end, so I'll leave the details of my current project for next time.